Music has always been my muse. Just ask Ren, or Cait or Eva and they'll all tell you some days the muse kicks your ass until you find exactly the right song to groove to while you write. But this is the first time that a song actually moved me to tears because the muse hit so hard.
I've known Gabriel for a while now. He crosses through my mind occasionally, hidden behind robes with only the barest of hints that he's an Angel fallen from Heaven. Then a couple days ago I had a rather creepy experience, the result of which is that I found Rhamiel.
I'd share the story but it loses something in the translation. Suffice it to say when you see the picture I use for Rham, look in the background; I swear I didn't see that when I first found this picture and went hey, hmm... so you're the one who comes with Gabriel.
So without further ado, let me introduce these two because I need to get them out of my system.
Gabriel. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v470/FaeryJayde/CJ%20Angels/Gabriel.jpg
Yeah, it's the guy from Lost. Sometimes the muse is it's own face and that's enough. Most of the time at least for me, I watch something in a movie, on TV, someone walking down the street and out of nowhere get hit with some idea of a muse. It was that way with this guy. One minute I was watching Lost, the next minute we had Gabriel in a dark hooded robe telling me he was a fallen angel.
Not THE Gabriel that you read about in the Bible. But he is an Angel, or was...depending on your interpretation. Please do me a favor right now if you're Catholic or more religious than I am. Don't try to connect the dots too closely. I'm doing Angel research but remember this is CJ' s world.
Keep in mind I'm only framing this story for you people. I have the barest of sketches in mind and am only blogging it because.... well, I sort of have to get it out there.
There came a time many thousands of years ago, when the angel Gabriel became disenchanted with God. A very powerful demon was granted access to stay on Earth instead of being banished to Hell. Basically getting free reign to wreak havoc on the entire human race until the end of all things. Gabriel grew increasingly frustrated watching. His requests to do something were left unanswered.
One day, he took a swan dive out of Heaven basically, and has been walking the Earth ever since. Enter in Ra, Neptune and Puck along with the creation of the entire Mystic race.
The problem was; Gabriel had no real idea what he was getting himself in for when he left. Excommunicated from Heaven and you can't go back. I can't fully put into words yet the torment that was involved. The mood is there and the idea of it in my mind. I've erased this paragraph several times now trying to get it right.
So let's skip to Rham for a minute. Rhamiel. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v470/FaeryJayde/CJ%20Angels/Rhamiel.jpg
Rhamiel: empathy, kindness, mercy, love, protection, and compassion.
Rham was always a bit taken with Gabriel. Gabriel's torment yanked on Rham's empathy until it almost broke him.
Rham went to God. PLEADING. Please, can I help him... I can help him... he's so alone down there, he didn't know, he didn't know what it would be like, can't you see he was only trying to help them. He sacrificed so much to fight for your children, as he always has.
And the voice in the background. The Voice, saying no. He is as he always was, Gabriel merely chose to leave.
The Voice said NO, but Rhamiel could not leave it alone. He couldn't help reaching out a hand...
and it was like a warm hand, a loud, otherworldly song. For the briefest of moments, it connected Gabriel to Home.
Skip ahead to now. Why? Because the in between is a large portion that's still tooling in my head, hazy at the moment.
If Humans are made of Earth, and the Djinn who play a part in my world are made up of fire... Angels are made of light. Picture a body as the shell, and instead of organic anything inside, you have the white light of Heaven. To look at Gabriel is to go blind. The white light fills you up from the inside out with just a glance. Singing through your blood like a thousand angels in chorus from Heaven. Except it burns its way through you along the way. It is rare that a human being can see this and survive; which is why Gabriel hides in robes all the time. His wings are amazing. narrow at the back and all white feather, softer than anything you'll ever know, flowing from his back and trailing behind him. Currently Gabriel is sprawled out on my living room floor writing in some old runeish looking language I can't decipher, and his wings are sprawled out all over the place. It's gorgeous, but a bitch on the vaccum cleaner.
Rhamiel on the other hand has no wings. They were ripped from his back when he was kicked out of Heaven. The wound on his back is atrocious. Occasionally it bleeds, but not always. The stigmata on Rham's hands is constant. The guys have informed me it's meant as a reminder for Rham. This too bleeds, again not all the time. Occasionally when you look into Rham's eyes, you see that white light-- dimmed to an almost human level, so that it appears much like some fancy scifi effect on a movie. The light fades, and fades... and when it's almost gone, Rham lies mostly comatose.
Angels are beings made of Light, you see. Rham has none of his own any more. It was taken from him, like the wings. He would have died a mortal human life thousands of years ago.
A shuffle of wings, a stack of yellowed parchment being set aside. Gabriel goes to the couch behind him, lying a hand half in Rham's messy blonde hair. He leans forward... a part of the lips, the kiss of Angels. After a moment or two unmeasured, eyes open. Looking up out of impossibly blue eyes that turn to ice, then sing with that same light you'll see in Gabriel's, Rham tries to hold the moment. He wants nothing more than to lift a sluggish arm, pull Gabriel down. Not because he's desperate to know what Heaven feels like again. He, unlike Gabriel, knew what he was getting into when they pulled out his wings. He'd been feeling the loss through Gabriel for years.
Simply because his heart, if there is one, beats with a pulse of light for this man... the Angel.
A shuffle of wings, and a cracked heart. Gabriel goes back to his work and Rham curls up on the sofa. His back is bleeding again. He pulls his legs up to his chest, hugging them close, absently petting the bit of wing that's stretched out over the back of the couch.
Now, listen to the song. For those of you who don't know me or don't know me well enough to know better. This isn't some political agenda. I asked the boys, why Rham's heart loves the way it does. Rham didn't respond, he just gave me a look. God is Love, even if we don't understand the sometimes harsh reality of it. And this is mine. And The he goes back to watching Gabriel, with an expression in his eyes that absolutely breaks my heart.
Like I said, I was crying when I realized all this. At work, no less.
"My Immortal"
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
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