what the hell are you waiting for~ i came i saw i conquered

Life is fucking insane, babe. I've been looking for Kiel Delvarian's gay ass for about six goddamn years now. Jesus Christ I almost went to Colorado three times, then something came along, got me sidetracked, and I thought, no way. Key, he always talked about going where it's warmer. What the fuck would he be doing in frosty the fucking snowman land.

Fucking some goddamn were whatever, apparently. Could have knocked me out with one of those goddamn oranges Sky's kid is always throwing around, when I found out Key was a damn tiger.

Which explains why it took me six years to find him.I was looking into just about everything Key was into, gay shit straight shit criminal shit, fucking your gay teacher shit, but I wasn't looking into my own world, the paranormal world. Because far as I fucking knew, that's why he left in the first place.


I'm not getting into the Kara thing, babe. If you haven't heard it by now, you'll have to track that shit down or die trying. Seventeen year old Ren, every bit the criminal if not more so than I am now, fell in love with Key's twin sister Kara. She was naiieve as anything and completely perfect. Not, perfect for me, just in general. Yeah, I can honestly say that shit. Don't ask me how the fuck someone like Kiel had a perfect sister. I got the fuckin sister from hell. Which, I guess in a fucked up sorta way is perfect, for me.

Now Key and I, both had shit going on. His game concentrated on running the school he went to, fancy ass boarding school shit at SCD. Me I went to Elder and if you think I gave a fuck about playing who won the soccer game against Oak Hills or if they were goin to play Cleve St Igs in the state championships, you don't fuckin know me at all. My shit was much bigger and when I went to school, I was just Ren of the punk.

Any fuckin way. Key was with the lame ass school shit, but on the side, somehow, the freak found some demons, I'm guessin at one of his gay freak clubs or whatever the hell, and was blackmailing them. Now if you think that's the dumbest piece of shit thing to do, you'd be close. Hell I'm guessing Key had his head so far up his self induced drama ass that he had no idea that Macbeth freak was a demon. I only knew because I was doing the GKI shit on the side, and the second the Shakespearean quoting lunatic freak showed up in my city, Kennie paged me about eight thousand times with the intel. Hello babe, am I the goddamn knight, no, the fuck, I am not.

So Key, he's all up in this Macbeth's business. And guess what, it got his sister killed.





The snow....the snow was covered in blood spatter, everywhere, there was so much blood, that the snow didn't really crunch under your feet, the way it's supposed to....


and Kara



Then that dick Kiel left town. Just left, took off, didn't even go to her fuckin funeral. Hasn't even been to her grave.


I took off two days after Kara's funeral. When it became apparent that The Boyfriend was going to take the blame. No thanks, not going to catch me in prison. I had far too much in my life to hide, no way the fuck I was letting the cops dig around in that shit.

Made a deal with Jordan Reece, bam, record wiped clean, all memory of my existance in the eyes of the government - gone.



So like I said, I've been looking for the asshole. It's Key's fault Kara is dead, right? Jerk couldn't even be bothered to see his twin sister buried before he took off for the land of gay freaks and half animal creepy shit.

Finally found him a week ago. He's been travelling with an unclassified unknown Vampire, which is what's been making him so hard to track. Never in one city for more than two weeks. But they slipped up in Northern Kentucky. Oddly enough, close to home for Key. Some chick gave Key's real name as "acceptable to rent on my account" at a Blockbuster Video. Blade, Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Seven, and Chicago. Yeah Key, I know which of those was yours.

Got there a day too late, but caught up with them in the Philly airport. Why the hell they flew out of Philly, which isn't even close to being on the WAY to Colorado, I'm of no clue, babe. Followed for a few more days, now here I am freezing my ass off at the goddamn North Pole.


Cowboy asked if I was going skiing while I'm here. Like hello dude, if I wanted to kill myself I'd crank up the Alanis and throw myself off a cliff. Ok bad analogy since he's done that.

I went in there, ready to do everything but kill him.

I don't kill, not any more. Not even Key, who I hate more than anything. Least of all Key. Like I want that freak in the Great Beyond, hangin with Karie? FUCK THAT. And don't even fucking start on the Key's gay so he's not getting into Heaven anyway. Bein gay's the least of his problems, or mine, and I guarantee if you took a look at your own life, you'd see a great deal of shit you oughta be worrying about besides my- how the FUCK did I get on THIS subject babe.

Had my long range shit, stashed outside, in the woods here and there, in case he took off at a run. Crossbows, both longbows. Nitro tipped arrows, silver plated arrows, and two special, solid silver arrows, now let me tell you that those are an extreme bitch to make fly.


Had traps set, outside his house. Now I'm not that stupid loser from that TV show my ghost Freddy watches, so I don't know Jack about digging holes for traps and setting nets, or whatever the hell. I DO know, oh sorry , moving on. Not supposed to mention the big black cat on the ground who's snarling at me, but he's supposed to be out keeping the world safe, so go put on your superman cape, Krypto the wonder cat, and get fuckin to it. (Cruz)


Inside, I had knives. Oh, babe, you know I had the knives. Spelled ones, silver ones, one i stole straight from Lord Reece, that supposedly is coated in that shit that makes the vamps sneeze, just in case. Throwing stars, a couple other things I got from Bors that have no name. The only two guns I'll ever hold again- Kane's nitro ones. Specially designed to fire bullets that bleed liquid nitro. Don't ask me how the fuck they managed that one, I'm the techie, not the - well, ok, technically I'm a magician, if Mystick blood counts as that.

No clue what I thought I was gonna do with the Nitro guns.


As it turns out, I didn't have a chance, anyway.


I walked in, he had some rap shit turned up so loud that the support beams were shaking. I could feel my heart about exploding in my chest. It was the warding spell that gave me away.


He came at me in one swift move- turn and fly through the air, a kick, and I went down. Headlong into the stereo, next thing you know I'm hearing double. Linkin Park in my head, and some godawful rap song stuck on repeat.

He sort of, pounced, to his feet. I was far less graceful, too busy being fucking pissed that he got the better of me five seconds into the room.

He stared at me, waiting for me to move. That's Key. Always jumping right in, then he gets there, and doesn't know what to do with it. Suppose that makes him a good lapdog for the vampire dude, whatever.

I turned, clutching my stomach with one hand while I slowly got up. Was contemplating his next move when I accidentally caught his eye



Kara's

He has the same goddamn eyes, and I couldn't turn away. It was like she was there, in living, breathing color. I shook my head, trying to clear my mind, but when I blinked, she was still standing there, where Key had been.

No, it WAS Key. Key, who wanted to fight, but wasn't going to fight back, if that made any sense at all. So, we went at it, for about an hour.

Kiel's physical strength. All that working out will do that, I guess, I don't have that kind of time. Apparently, whatever paranormal whatever he is, has only increased that. Dude can bench a car, pretty goddamn sure. Scary thought when even some of Jordan's people can't do that. What can I say babe, this is real life not some fuckin comic book existance.

He's also got the grace of whatever it is that makes him part tiger.


Then there's Ren Evers, and his Green Lantern Ring of power. My mother was a Mystick, but there were other things in her past. Gargoyles, Goblins.... dark magic. So instead of being able to call water or fire, or all that other weird shit, I can throw shadows into form. Which, by the way, I can then use to delve into.....well its pretty damn freaky. Souls and spirits shit.


Scares Key all to hell.

I let him throw me around, because yeah, I know where I can't compete. Did my routine and got in a few good shots. We've danced this dance before, Key and I, so I wasn't too worried.

I know how it ends.


One shot too many to my lungs and I'm out of air. I turn, throwing my hand up at him, and a shadow knocks him back.
So quick he has no time to react, no time to even breathe, I'm there. Shadow wrapped around his chest, where his heart is, should be.


Threads of shadow, wrapping themselves into Key's aura, into his soul, like a virus that's already taken over. My mind dove in, grabbing all of it- everything- twisting it to my advantage, making him scream, forcing him to remember every last thing he'd ever been afraid of.

I'm not sure how long he sat there, crying his sister's name, before I stopped.

"Well," he said, sneering at me, "what the hell are you waiting for, Ren? Get it over with, it's why you came we both know it. You want me dead, now's your chance." And on it went but babe I didn't really hear much of it.

I laughed, and Key actually closed his eyes. He thought I got the better of him, which suppose I did, come to think. Those eyes- Kara's eyes-



Shook my head to clear it. That was ten hours ago, and we're still in the basement, talking. You could say we came to a brilliant vein of reasoning. That's a whole other story though, just thought I'd explain why Key and I are getting along, for now.



If anyone has reports of seeing a lunatic who smokes, drinks, and quotes endless amounts of Shakespeare, call me . Don't try to kill the demon yourself.

My head is swimming, from searching for this thing. Key goes out and beats people up over the information. I charm it out of them, con it out of them, or hack my way into the knowledge.


Now go pick someone elses goddamn brain. I'm stuck in a house with a gay tiger and his gay vampire boyfriend who is so busy mooning over some OTHER dude, Key is starting to get testy.

Do I look like a girl, man. I do not serve up psychoanalysis for the challenged. Don't want to hear that, so I'm out.




Everyone go turn on the Zeppelin and leave me alone. We all know who won this round, Kiel Delvariann. Oh yeah and hey, George Clooney you antichrist mother. Quit fuckin with my system! The power goddamn well better not go out unless *I* say so, got it freak ?


*stalks off grumbling about the ghosts in his own castle who won't leave him alone*

Somewhere deep in the attic of the church, I'm lying on the floor. Broken and mute as the dragon continues to pile more and more blankets on top of me. Be nice to him; he's trying to help. Blankets are good for helping. And the dragon is cute so we mostly let him do whatever he wants. It's better than when the nightmares hit him and the entire building shakes with the screeching sound of him wailing in his sleep.

Gabriel says nothing; he won't look at me. He writes Angelic runes in his books growing more and more distant every day. And yes I'm worried.

We haven't seen Satarel for days. He hasn't come back, not even to check on the dragon. Don't get me wrong, we don't mind dragonsitting mister Noah Gradey. But the fact that Barnaby has left us high and dry without so much as an informational guide to what you're supposed to feed a dragon (I mean come on... toffee chips can't be ALL his diet requires...right??) Well, it can't be good is all I'm saying.

I'm getting side tracked as always. Rhamiel says its because I'm avoiding the issue. Rhami's the one hidden under the blankets trying to get warm, like me, and failing. He of all of them, understands best why I live in another world most of the time. Another world of butterfly faery wings, demon killing Knights, Doyles in shadows, slightly skewed fairy tales, and a Ren who is constantly singing.

Even when the music runs out.

When the music runs out, it means I've lost my way and can't get back to the attic to the comfort of sunlight shining in through the stained glass window. Or, it means I'm in so deep I can't see my way back to the surface.

Sometimes I lie on the floor, huddled under the angel wings of my muse, and I see nothing but the Never.

I can tell you the life story of Robert Aaron Myers, in many forms. But I can't tell you what's going on in the world around me. Not that one, any way.

Ask me what book the Dragon reads tonight or how Roxy likes working in the video store. Ask me what knights are currently out on patrol or why Mouse is wearing a crazy ass pirate costume. I've you live partially in your imagination, I can enchant you for hours.

Now ask me about the Other. I can't even tell you what I saw on the news tonight. Bad traffic, cold weather, not very big crowds for Thunder. That's all I got.

Thunder, is the big 'fireworks on the river' annual drama here in Louvull. Like Riverfest in Cincy. Here it marks the beginning of Derby season, which after four years I still only partially get.

Anyway. Earlier tonight there were planes flying overhead. F16s and a couple B2 somethings at the airport, so says the Starman of the knows one from the other. I didn't see it and Damian, my Navy boy, wasn't in residence to explain it all. Then later, fireworks. The dragon was scared shitless is the whole point of me yammering about OTHER crap again. We thought we lost him until I found him in the back of my closet hiding under piles of clothes my mom gave me, that haven't found their way to the Salvation Army or Goodwill yet.

Anyway. I was saying. Poor Noble, mister Noah Gradey as we now are to understand is his real name, came out of hiding when I showed up in the attic on the floor, flailing between realities again. Gradually, he opens up more and more to us, though he still refuses to have anything to do with Mr. Jack our 30 pound cat.

So I'm probably not making any sense. You're wondering as to the point of this. So am I. It's just a passing note. The reality my Muses stem from flashes in and out of my mind- a composite of many realms. Trying to keep it all straight and me sane is not an easy feat.

Some days, the Soccer Moms of the world get the best of me.

Today? The dragon won.




Now I know what you're thinking. What's with the armor? Dragons are in no need of armor, or so I thought. So Nicodemus tells me, any way. Oops, maybe I wasn't supposed to say- I'm being told to shut up now. Anyway.

We don't know why he's wearing armor, I suspect it was some time ago. Several generations before my time, to say the least.


Now thanks to this song, the dragon, and Rhamiel, I have a floor full of flowers made out of construction paper and tissue paper butterflies hanging from the ceiling.

It's Saturday night in Louisville. We're going to stay in the Never for just a bit longer. Goodnight, everyone.

I linger in the doorway,
Of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name,
Let me stay, where the wind will whisper to me,
Where the raindrops, as they're falling, tell a story.

In my field of paper flowers,
And candy clouds of lullaby.
I lie inside myself for hours,
And watch my purple sky fly over me.

Don't say I'm out of touch,
With this rampant choas - Your reality.
I know what lies beyond my sleeping refuge,
The nightmare, I built my own world to escape.


In my field of paper flowers,
And candy clouds of lullaby.
I lie inside myself for hours,
And watch my purple sky fly over me.

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming,
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights.
Oh how I long for that deep-sleep dreaming,
The goddess of imaginary light.

In my field of paper flowers,
And candy clouds of lullaby.
I lie inside myself for hours,
And watch my purple sky fly over me.

my imaginary by Evanescence

**side note: the me in the church attic with the muses, is NOT the ME in real life. I love my life my cats my husband hell even my job. When I'm not frustrated from lack of writing time. I can't explain the transformation; just don't analyze me lest ye be analyzed and criticized right back. Hugs.

Dream 4/3/5

If anyone understands this, please contact Parker Murdock

I've had this dream a couple times now, but this morning is the first time I've slept in long enough to mull it out and keep it in my head. Wether this is my world, or my subconious trying to tell me something, I don't know. The only thing from my world I've been musing on lately is DL and Alex, and while both of them are dark, neither claims any knowledge of anything like this. Remind me to introduce DL later.


It’s a prison planet, or some kind of hell dimension…. Something dark with some important purpose that I cannot quite see. It involves more than just our world, or, that is, the part of our world that we can see. There are humans there, I’m fairly certain, but for the most part when you look briefly sweeping through the whole of it, you see the creatures.

From the outside, the building is huge. So big that you have to wonder if it’s a ‘building’ at all; it looks man made as opposed to organic but the sheer size of it implies that it was thrust out of the ground itself. Millions of stories tall. The higher up it goes, the building slopes inward… never quite reaching a point.

Inside the building is some gigantic wheel that cannot be seen. It’s purpose is unknown. All you can see are the creatures guiding it, keeping it moving. Things with horns, different colors, but what stood out to me were the large, elephant type creatures. Were they sentient beings, or work animals? The elephants I mean? I don’t know. I know for sure the bulk of those running the wheel were sentient. I don’t know if there were any work animals there, at all.

Somewhere in all this, I’m talking to a man. I can’t remember what about. I don’tknow who he was. Easily he could look like Browder, be Parker… or someone else entirely. All I remember was staring at his arms while he talked. Solid muscle, very strong. From turning the wheel, perhaps. I also got the impression that he was in charge of all this, directed it somehow.

At the end, we were outside again. Thousands of creatures… beings… roaming about on the ground outside the Building. Some in the air. I heard the sound of the Stargate music, clear as anything, playing, and looked up into the sky.

There was a dragon there, clutching in his claws a chain of thorny rope. Not rope, some kind of vine, with thorns on it everywhere. And another man, in the sky… who I could not see at all. The dragon came along and dropped the vine with the thorns, draping it on the man’s shoulders.

And I woke up. Why can’t my dreams ever make sense?

Fallen from Grace

This song? Is kicking my ASS. I've heard it a thousand times or more. Hell. EVERYONE uses this song at some point or another. The mood of the whole Evanescence CD moves me to write. I mused up Carter with this on instant replay. This song is my favorite, it's so hauntingly beautiful. Every time I listened to it, I'd hear snippets of this character or that from books or things I've written...things others have written.

Music has always been my muse. Just ask Ren, or Cait or Eva and they'll all tell you some days the muse kicks your ass until you find exactly the right song to groove to while you write. But this is the first time that a song actually moved me to tears because the muse hit so hard.

I've known Gabriel for a while now. He crosses through my mind occasionally, hidden behind robes with only the barest of hints that he's an Angel fallen from Heaven. Then a couple days ago I had a rather creepy experience, the result of which is that I found Rhamiel.
I'd share the story but it loses something in the translation. Suffice it to say when you see the picture I use for Rham, look in the background; I swear I didn't see that when I first found this picture and went hey, hmm... so you're the one who comes with Gabriel.

So without further ado, let me introduce these two because I need to get them out of my system.

Gabriel. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v470/FaeryJayde/CJ%20Angels/Gabriel.jpg

Yeah, it's the guy from Lost. Sometimes the muse is it's own face and that's enough. Most of the time at least for me, I watch something in a movie, on TV, someone walking down the street and out of nowhere get hit with some idea of a muse. It was that way with this guy. One minute I was watching Lost, the next minute we had Gabriel in a dark hooded robe telling me he was a fallen angel.


Not THE Gabriel that you read about in the Bible. But he is an Angel, or was...depending on your interpretation. Please do me a favor right now if you're Catholic or more religious than I am. Don't try to connect the dots too closely. I'm doing Angel research but remember this is CJ' s world.

Keep in mind I'm only framing this story for you people. I have the barest of sketches in mind and am only blogging it because.... well, I sort of have to get it out there.

There came a time many thousands of years ago, when the angel Gabriel became disenchanted with God. A very powerful demon was granted access to stay on Earth instead of being banished to Hell. Basically getting free reign to wreak havoc on the entire human race until the end of all things. Gabriel grew increasingly frustrated watching. His requests to do something were left unanswered.

One day, he took a swan dive out of Heaven basically, and has been walking the Earth ever since. Enter in Ra, Neptune and Puck along with the creation of the entire Mystic race.


The problem was; Gabriel had no real idea what he was getting himself in for when he left. Excommunicated from Heaven and you can't go back. I can't fully put into words yet the torment that was involved. The mood is there and the idea of it in my mind. I've erased this paragraph several times now trying to get it right.

So let's skip to Rham for a minute. Rhamiel. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v470/FaeryJayde/CJ%20Angels/Rhamiel.jpg

Rhamiel: empathy, kindness, mercy, love, protection, and compassion.

Rham was always a bit taken with Gabriel. Gabriel's torment yanked on Rham's empathy until it almost broke him.

Rham went to God. PLEADING. Please, can I help him... I can help him... he's so alone down there, he didn't know, he didn't know what it would be like, can't you see he was only trying to help them. He sacrificed so much to fight for your children, as he always has.

And the voice in the background. The Voice, saying no. He is as he always was, Gabriel merely chose to leave.

The Voice said NO, but Rhamiel could not leave it alone. He couldn't help reaching out a hand...

and it was like a warm hand, a loud, otherworldly song. For the briefest of moments, it connected Gabriel to Home.

Skip ahead to now. Why? Because the in between is a large portion that's still tooling in my head, hazy at the moment.

If Humans are made of Earth, and the Djinn who play a part in my world are made up of fire... Angels are made of light. Picture a body as the shell, and instead of organic anything inside, you have the white light of Heaven. To look at Gabriel is to go blind. The white light fills you up from the inside out with just a glance. Singing through your blood like a thousand angels in chorus from Heaven. Except it burns its way through you along the way. It is rare that a human being can see this and survive; which is why Gabriel hides in robes all the time. His wings are amazing. narrow at the back and all white feather, softer than anything you'll ever know, flowing from his back and trailing behind him. Currently Gabriel is sprawled out on my living room floor writing in some old runeish looking language I can't decipher, and his wings are sprawled out all over the place. It's gorgeous, but a bitch on the vaccum cleaner.

Rhamiel on the other hand has no wings. They were ripped from his back when he was kicked out of Heaven. The wound on his back is atrocious. Occasionally it bleeds, but not always. The stigmata on Rham's hands is constant. The guys have informed me it's meant as a reminder for Rham. This too bleeds, again not all the time. Occasionally when you look into Rham's eyes, you see that white light-- dimmed to an almost human level, so that it appears much like some fancy scifi effect on a movie. The light fades, and fades... and when it's almost gone, Rham lies mostly comatose.

Angels are beings made of Light, you see. Rham has none of his own any more. It was taken from him, like the wings. He would have died a mortal human life thousands of years ago.

A shuffle of wings, a stack of yellowed parchment being set aside. Gabriel goes to the couch behind him, lying a hand half in Rham's messy blonde hair. He leans forward... a part of the lips, the kiss of Angels. After a moment or two unmeasured, eyes open. Looking up out of impossibly blue eyes that turn to ice, then sing with that same light you'll see in Gabriel's, Rham tries to hold the moment. He wants nothing more than to lift a sluggish arm, pull Gabriel down. Not because he's desperate to know what Heaven feels like again. He, unlike Gabriel, knew what he was getting into when they pulled out his wings. He'd been feeling the loss through Gabriel for years.

Simply because his heart, if there is one, beats with a pulse of light for this man... the Angel.


A shuffle of wings, and a cracked heart. Gabriel goes back to his work and Rham curls up on the sofa. His back is bleeding again. He pulls his legs up to his chest, hugging them close, absently petting the bit of wing that's stretched out over the back of the couch.

Now, listen to the song. For those of you who don't know me or don't know me well enough to know better. This isn't some political agenda. I asked the boys, why Rham's heart loves the way it does. Rham didn't respond, he just gave me a look. God is Love, even if we don't understand the sometimes harsh reality of it. And this is mine. And The he goes back to watching Gabriel, with an expression in his eyes that absolutely breaks my heart.

Like I said, I was crying when I realized all this. At work, no less.

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

Ok I admit it, I'm frustrated. For as awesome musing I got last week, this one is starting to suck rotten eggs. Not really, but today at least. I skipped going in to work on my day off to stay home because I KNEW I had fun shit I was going to write.

Plus, it's mostly Kurt's fault. I woke up at ten and had him in my head going no way baby, you're allowed to sleep longer. So I stretched like a cat, wrapped up in boatloads of snuggly blanket and mused him up rubbing the tension out of my body. Kurt seems to think Tuesday is his day to bug me, or something.

I know what I need. I need a room where there is no laundry or dishes or cleaning to be done. No cats of the cuteness meowing and all with the antics. Just me and my muses trying to get on paper the ideas that float around in my head all day when I'm working twelve hours at Graeter's frustrated that I can't be writing.

I spend all day at work, wishing like hell I could be at home writing full time. Then I get a day off, and it's totally wasted. Jason's got me watching a DVD that's really cute and funny but about four hours ago, I had the voice of Loki in my head bugging the living HELL out of Damian. And I just know it would have been brilliant. I left him hanging yesterday morning, being a total 22 year old, freaking out. And I could see that place of his in Alaska where he goes to shut out the Loki when the insanity gets to be too much. Well, used to.

I know, I know. Who's Damian and what's he got to do with Loki. Like everything I write, it's complicated. Some people IRL find out I kick around with writing and go OH, what do you write? With that half interested caring way when someone talks about their passion but it's not yours so you can't get excited about it. Stammer stammer, mumble something incoherent about knights and vampires and they think I'm a total freak. Which btw Dame says I am, so it's all even. And heaven help me if I have to explain Ren or Joey.

So let me make it real simple. LIke any one gives a god damn or bothers to read this except people who already know Ren and Joey quite well. Here's me saying fuck you and the damn horse you rode in on for not caring that after thirty years, I found something that makes me happy, that's all me.

Jason wants to know why I don't write something that could be sold, instead of RP all the time. Hello, it's called process. I've got a long way to go before my world is ready for the general public, if ever. That isn't why I started writing any damn way. I write because i have to. I can't just go back to ho hum colleen of the doesn't hear voices. I can't slam the door to the Muse house shut without knowing how Kurt meets Kaelandra, what the fuck happens in THAT scenario. Does Tucker ever actually kill Aden or was that some muse trick. Is anyone ever going to figure out that Tucker Murdock Senior, the senator, Parker's FAther! Is... well, that would be spoiling it, but let's just say he's an old nemesis of Lucien's brother Robin.

Yes, I write about Arthurian Legend and you can kiss my ass, Ok you can kiss KURTS ass, if you don't like the fact that I took bits and pieces and twisted them into something I love.

I'm sorry that I can't see "Lancelot" and not see a perverted very sexually oriented Fae, sometimes with wings, sometimes with fangs, most of the god damn time with candy. Who also happens to be a knight and goes around doing his part at saving the world on a daily basis.

Wait, no I'm the fuck not sorry.

I'm also not sorry that Arthur, correct that again Lucien Arthur, is biker badass of the Godsmack Metallica mentality.

And I'll never apologize for turning the whole Mordred story into a brooding sorcerer with fangs, who spends all his time in the ocean surfing. Trying to avoid the entire world because he figures he's pretty much at fault for every damn thing.


If you think I spend too much time on line, playing at characters instead of dealing with real life, or whatever, it's because you're a muggle. Yes, a muggle. I try to explain this a lot, but if you don't have an imagination as complicated and whacked out as mine, you'll never understand. Go find whatever it is that muses YOU.

Just don't be suprised if my eyes start to glaze over mid way through. The asshole that is Damian wants me to say, it's because we're bored with whatever lame crap you want us to be interested in. You couldn't possibly comprehend what's REALLY cool. I want to argue and tell him to be nice, but the mood I'm in today.. Besides. He's got the voice of insanity in his head, 24/7.

Some days, I know exactly how that feels. God, I just wish there was a fucking button you could punch to turn it the fuck on.

Yes, we're still here, all of us.

OK Cait, you got me going. You got me writing in this damn thing again after what, three months hiatus? But, is good to know I send this thing out into the void and it doesn't just keep going on into infinity. It actually makes at least one stop along the way.

Browder and D of course want to stop me right there and start being all with the chatty cathies about Infinity and who THAT is. Let me tell you folks when you already have a Chaos, a Destiny, and a Time. Do you really need Infi too? Umm no.

Besides this week we have Kaelandra Rose of the not impressed with Kurt but totally cute anyway.

If someone can hide this woman away from Kurt for a few hours today while I get her voice straight in my head, I'd be incredibly grateful. Already the two of them are cute as hell.


We also have the damn genie who is running around, unbeknownst to my knights at GKI's new LA branch in the Avalon Hotel. Yes, there really is a hotel with that name. In CJ land, Blackheart bought it and now it's where Jordan stashes Kurt, Nico of the silence, and Cowboy of the always having twins stashed away and bomb fuses lit.

Who else is new? As always the Daniel Jackson muse of the blue robes and the flag, who sits nearby with this ancient look in his eyes. With his head in his hands going, 'can you REALLY be that stupid?'. So still no clue who HE is, folks.


And Gwenn, of the hat and the scarves. Found my Gwennwyfar AND figured out who my Lancelot is, in the same week. How's that for grand musing?



Everyone's doing King Arthur now. I don't know if that makes me happy or sad. Since I know I'm not going to see Kurt in any of their Lancelot's, it currently pisses me off. I don't want anyone else trying to write my babies away from me. Sherrilyn Kenyon has some Avalon/Camelot thing, that when you go to her site the ad for it blinks at you ad nauseum shoving the NOT ARTHUR and camelot and sword in the stone mythology in your face. All I can hear when I see that is when I met her, and she laughed at the idea of Arthurian legend in vampire mythology. It pissed me off and still does, but I understand. Once you have these people in your head, for someone else to come along and say OK, here's my version, is hard to stomach.

Then on Stargate which I LOVE! Ben Browder is coming and OK can we say I'm going to be be having a major cow with the BB and Daniel on the same fargin show. Laughing my ASS off. But next season they're tying in Arthurian Legend. I LOVE that show but look what they did to Norse Mythology. Ra, Anubis, etc, Camulus I can handle the Goauld thing. Thor is an alien though.... So it's a constant battle with Parker shoving his glasses up on his nose and going "Ok, we've been through this already. Those muggle ideas about Arthurian legend are just that. Legends. Other people making up stories based on things they heard about us that aren't true."


Then he goes back to reading some book in Latin on Roman gods and leaves me hanging again.

It's time for me to go to work now. I have a love/hate affair with my job. I love my bosses, love my store, love the product. Hell we all know how I feel about chocolate and Black Raz. Just listen to the muses if you don't. But it takes me away from writing.

The sun is shining and the cats are happy. I'm sure that if I had four hours of complete silence. I'd have something completely brilliant to throw out there.... all with the cuteness that is going to be my Lancelot and Kaelandra .

Whatever you do, don't tell Kurt. Shhh, is a suprise. And don't tell Kael that the scruffy looking man with candy she just shoved out of her way and told off, has wings. She's got Kane's ax and I'm slightly afraid what she'll do with it.


Because as soon as I say no, Kurt doesn't have wings he's not THAT kind of Fae, he goes and sprouts them and now I have to look at THAT all damn day.

JOEY, bless his punk ass heart, is laughing his ASS off. PUNK.

Good god for those of you who know Kurt, what the FARGIN HELL am I supposed to do with a Kurt with wings. Its... worse than the other day. Is all I'm saying.

For the rest of you doign the scrolly over and getting only his tag on the sidebar there... *blush* don't read too much into it. It's all him and not me, I swear.


And I thought yesterday Gabriel of the Angel of the Cristian/Boone was bad enough. All throwing off the robe and showing me HIS wings, angel wings. Which once you get past the blinded part, the light is sort of like being kissed inside and out by something... beyond graceful, most ethereal, and highly otherworldly. To say the VERY least. But now I understand the whole robe thing, feel free to put that shit back on Gabriel because we aren't ready for fallen angels who got pissed at God for letting the Djinn and Arawn stay on Earth to torment humans. Yet.

Now everyone go crank up the Zeppelin and let me be. It's a snowy saturday, Basketball on TV all damn day. That should be good for quiet musing time at work for a couple hours, at least.