Fallen from Grace

This song? Is kicking my ASS. I've heard it a thousand times or more. Hell. EVERYONE uses this song at some point or another. The mood of the whole Evanescence CD moves me to write. I mused up Carter with this on instant replay. This song is my favorite, it's so hauntingly beautiful. Every time I listened to it, I'd hear snippets of this character or that from books or things I've written...things others have written.

Music has always been my muse. Just ask Ren, or Cait or Eva and they'll all tell you some days the muse kicks your ass until you find exactly the right song to groove to while you write. But this is the first time that a song actually moved me to tears because the muse hit so hard.

I've known Gabriel for a while now. He crosses through my mind occasionally, hidden behind robes with only the barest of hints that he's an Angel fallen from Heaven. Then a couple days ago I had a rather creepy experience, the result of which is that I found Rhamiel.
I'd share the story but it loses something in the translation. Suffice it to say when you see the picture I use for Rham, look in the background; I swear I didn't see that when I first found this picture and went hey, hmm... so you're the one who comes with Gabriel.

So without further ado, let me introduce these two because I need to get them out of my system.

Gabriel. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v470/FaeryJayde/CJ%20Angels/Gabriel.jpg

Yeah, it's the guy from Lost. Sometimes the muse is it's own face and that's enough. Most of the time at least for me, I watch something in a movie, on TV, someone walking down the street and out of nowhere get hit with some idea of a muse. It was that way with this guy. One minute I was watching Lost, the next minute we had Gabriel in a dark hooded robe telling me he was a fallen angel.


Not THE Gabriel that you read about in the Bible. But he is an Angel, or was...depending on your interpretation. Please do me a favor right now if you're Catholic or more religious than I am. Don't try to connect the dots too closely. I'm doing Angel research but remember this is CJ' s world.

Keep in mind I'm only framing this story for you people. I have the barest of sketches in mind and am only blogging it because.... well, I sort of have to get it out there.

There came a time many thousands of years ago, when the angel Gabriel became disenchanted with God. A very powerful demon was granted access to stay on Earth instead of being banished to Hell. Basically getting free reign to wreak havoc on the entire human race until the end of all things. Gabriel grew increasingly frustrated watching. His requests to do something were left unanswered.

One day, he took a swan dive out of Heaven basically, and has been walking the Earth ever since. Enter in Ra, Neptune and Puck along with the creation of the entire Mystic race.


The problem was; Gabriel had no real idea what he was getting himself in for when he left. Excommunicated from Heaven and you can't go back. I can't fully put into words yet the torment that was involved. The mood is there and the idea of it in my mind. I've erased this paragraph several times now trying to get it right.

So let's skip to Rham for a minute. Rhamiel. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v470/FaeryJayde/CJ%20Angels/Rhamiel.jpg

Rhamiel: empathy, kindness, mercy, love, protection, and compassion.

Rham was always a bit taken with Gabriel. Gabriel's torment yanked on Rham's empathy until it almost broke him.

Rham went to God. PLEADING. Please, can I help him... I can help him... he's so alone down there, he didn't know, he didn't know what it would be like, can't you see he was only trying to help them. He sacrificed so much to fight for your children, as he always has.

And the voice in the background. The Voice, saying no. He is as he always was, Gabriel merely chose to leave.

The Voice said NO, but Rhamiel could not leave it alone. He couldn't help reaching out a hand...

and it was like a warm hand, a loud, otherworldly song. For the briefest of moments, it connected Gabriel to Home.

Skip ahead to now. Why? Because the in between is a large portion that's still tooling in my head, hazy at the moment.

If Humans are made of Earth, and the Djinn who play a part in my world are made up of fire... Angels are made of light. Picture a body as the shell, and instead of organic anything inside, you have the white light of Heaven. To look at Gabriel is to go blind. The white light fills you up from the inside out with just a glance. Singing through your blood like a thousand angels in chorus from Heaven. Except it burns its way through you along the way. It is rare that a human being can see this and survive; which is why Gabriel hides in robes all the time. His wings are amazing. narrow at the back and all white feather, softer than anything you'll ever know, flowing from his back and trailing behind him. Currently Gabriel is sprawled out on my living room floor writing in some old runeish looking language I can't decipher, and his wings are sprawled out all over the place. It's gorgeous, but a bitch on the vaccum cleaner.

Rhamiel on the other hand has no wings. They were ripped from his back when he was kicked out of Heaven. The wound on his back is atrocious. Occasionally it bleeds, but not always. The stigmata on Rham's hands is constant. The guys have informed me it's meant as a reminder for Rham. This too bleeds, again not all the time. Occasionally when you look into Rham's eyes, you see that white light-- dimmed to an almost human level, so that it appears much like some fancy scifi effect on a movie. The light fades, and fades... and when it's almost gone, Rham lies mostly comatose.

Angels are beings made of Light, you see. Rham has none of his own any more. It was taken from him, like the wings. He would have died a mortal human life thousands of years ago.

A shuffle of wings, a stack of yellowed parchment being set aside. Gabriel goes to the couch behind him, lying a hand half in Rham's messy blonde hair. He leans forward... a part of the lips, the kiss of Angels. After a moment or two unmeasured, eyes open. Looking up out of impossibly blue eyes that turn to ice, then sing with that same light you'll see in Gabriel's, Rham tries to hold the moment. He wants nothing more than to lift a sluggish arm, pull Gabriel down. Not because he's desperate to know what Heaven feels like again. He, unlike Gabriel, knew what he was getting into when they pulled out his wings. He'd been feeling the loss through Gabriel for years.

Simply because his heart, if there is one, beats with a pulse of light for this man... the Angel.


A shuffle of wings, and a cracked heart. Gabriel goes back to his work and Rham curls up on the sofa. His back is bleeding again. He pulls his legs up to his chest, hugging them close, absently petting the bit of wing that's stretched out over the back of the couch.

Now, listen to the song. For those of you who don't know me or don't know me well enough to know better. This isn't some political agenda. I asked the boys, why Rham's heart loves the way it does. Rham didn't respond, he just gave me a look. God is Love, even if we don't understand the sometimes harsh reality of it. And this is mine. And The he goes back to watching Gabriel, with an expression in his eyes that absolutely breaks my heart.

Like I said, I was crying when I realized all this. At work, no less.

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

Ok I admit it, I'm frustrated. For as awesome musing I got last week, this one is starting to suck rotten eggs. Not really, but today at least. I skipped going in to work on my day off to stay home because I KNEW I had fun shit I was going to write.

Plus, it's mostly Kurt's fault. I woke up at ten and had him in my head going no way baby, you're allowed to sleep longer. So I stretched like a cat, wrapped up in boatloads of snuggly blanket and mused him up rubbing the tension out of my body. Kurt seems to think Tuesday is his day to bug me, or something.

I know what I need. I need a room where there is no laundry or dishes or cleaning to be done. No cats of the cuteness meowing and all with the antics. Just me and my muses trying to get on paper the ideas that float around in my head all day when I'm working twelve hours at Graeter's frustrated that I can't be writing.

I spend all day at work, wishing like hell I could be at home writing full time. Then I get a day off, and it's totally wasted. Jason's got me watching a DVD that's really cute and funny but about four hours ago, I had the voice of Loki in my head bugging the living HELL out of Damian. And I just know it would have been brilliant. I left him hanging yesterday morning, being a total 22 year old, freaking out. And I could see that place of his in Alaska where he goes to shut out the Loki when the insanity gets to be too much. Well, used to.

I know, I know. Who's Damian and what's he got to do with Loki. Like everything I write, it's complicated. Some people IRL find out I kick around with writing and go OH, what do you write? With that half interested caring way when someone talks about their passion but it's not yours so you can't get excited about it. Stammer stammer, mumble something incoherent about knights and vampires and they think I'm a total freak. Which btw Dame says I am, so it's all even. And heaven help me if I have to explain Ren or Joey.

So let me make it real simple. LIke any one gives a god damn or bothers to read this except people who already know Ren and Joey quite well. Here's me saying fuck you and the damn horse you rode in on for not caring that after thirty years, I found something that makes me happy, that's all me.

Jason wants to know why I don't write something that could be sold, instead of RP all the time. Hello, it's called process. I've got a long way to go before my world is ready for the general public, if ever. That isn't why I started writing any damn way. I write because i have to. I can't just go back to ho hum colleen of the doesn't hear voices. I can't slam the door to the Muse house shut without knowing how Kurt meets Kaelandra, what the fuck happens in THAT scenario. Does Tucker ever actually kill Aden or was that some muse trick. Is anyone ever going to figure out that Tucker Murdock Senior, the senator, Parker's FAther! Is... well, that would be spoiling it, but let's just say he's an old nemesis of Lucien's brother Robin.

Yes, I write about Arthurian Legend and you can kiss my ass, Ok you can kiss KURTS ass, if you don't like the fact that I took bits and pieces and twisted them into something I love.

I'm sorry that I can't see "Lancelot" and not see a perverted very sexually oriented Fae, sometimes with wings, sometimes with fangs, most of the god damn time with candy. Who also happens to be a knight and goes around doing his part at saving the world on a daily basis.

Wait, no I'm the fuck not sorry.

I'm also not sorry that Arthur, correct that again Lucien Arthur, is biker badass of the Godsmack Metallica mentality.

And I'll never apologize for turning the whole Mordred story into a brooding sorcerer with fangs, who spends all his time in the ocean surfing. Trying to avoid the entire world because he figures he's pretty much at fault for every damn thing.


If you think I spend too much time on line, playing at characters instead of dealing with real life, or whatever, it's because you're a muggle. Yes, a muggle. I try to explain this a lot, but if you don't have an imagination as complicated and whacked out as mine, you'll never understand. Go find whatever it is that muses YOU.

Just don't be suprised if my eyes start to glaze over mid way through. The asshole that is Damian wants me to say, it's because we're bored with whatever lame crap you want us to be interested in. You couldn't possibly comprehend what's REALLY cool. I want to argue and tell him to be nice, but the mood I'm in today.. Besides. He's got the voice of insanity in his head, 24/7.

Some days, I know exactly how that feels. God, I just wish there was a fucking button you could punch to turn it the fuck on.

Yes, we're still here, all of us.

OK Cait, you got me going. You got me writing in this damn thing again after what, three months hiatus? But, is good to know I send this thing out into the void and it doesn't just keep going on into infinity. It actually makes at least one stop along the way.

Browder and D of course want to stop me right there and start being all with the chatty cathies about Infinity and who THAT is. Let me tell you folks when you already have a Chaos, a Destiny, and a Time. Do you really need Infi too? Umm no.

Besides this week we have Kaelandra Rose of the not impressed with Kurt but totally cute anyway.

If someone can hide this woman away from Kurt for a few hours today while I get her voice straight in my head, I'd be incredibly grateful. Already the two of them are cute as hell.


We also have the damn genie who is running around, unbeknownst to my knights at GKI's new LA branch in the Avalon Hotel. Yes, there really is a hotel with that name. In CJ land, Blackheart bought it and now it's where Jordan stashes Kurt, Nico of the silence, and Cowboy of the always having twins stashed away and bomb fuses lit.

Who else is new? As always the Daniel Jackson muse of the blue robes and the flag, who sits nearby with this ancient look in his eyes. With his head in his hands going, 'can you REALLY be that stupid?'. So still no clue who HE is, folks.


And Gwenn, of the hat and the scarves. Found my Gwennwyfar AND figured out who my Lancelot is, in the same week. How's that for grand musing?



Everyone's doing King Arthur now. I don't know if that makes me happy or sad. Since I know I'm not going to see Kurt in any of their Lancelot's, it currently pisses me off. I don't want anyone else trying to write my babies away from me. Sherrilyn Kenyon has some Avalon/Camelot thing, that when you go to her site the ad for it blinks at you ad nauseum shoving the NOT ARTHUR and camelot and sword in the stone mythology in your face. All I can hear when I see that is when I met her, and she laughed at the idea of Arthurian legend in vampire mythology. It pissed me off and still does, but I understand. Once you have these people in your head, for someone else to come along and say OK, here's my version, is hard to stomach.

Then on Stargate which I LOVE! Ben Browder is coming and OK can we say I'm going to be be having a major cow with the BB and Daniel on the same fargin show. Laughing my ASS off. But next season they're tying in Arthurian Legend. I LOVE that show but look what they did to Norse Mythology. Ra, Anubis, etc, Camulus I can handle the Goauld thing. Thor is an alien though.... So it's a constant battle with Parker shoving his glasses up on his nose and going "Ok, we've been through this already. Those muggle ideas about Arthurian legend are just that. Legends. Other people making up stories based on things they heard about us that aren't true."


Then he goes back to reading some book in Latin on Roman gods and leaves me hanging again.

It's time for me to go to work now. I have a love/hate affair with my job. I love my bosses, love my store, love the product. Hell we all know how I feel about chocolate and Black Raz. Just listen to the muses if you don't. But it takes me away from writing.

The sun is shining and the cats are happy. I'm sure that if I had four hours of complete silence. I'd have something completely brilliant to throw out there.... all with the cuteness that is going to be my Lancelot and Kaelandra .

Whatever you do, don't tell Kurt. Shhh, is a suprise. And don't tell Kael that the scruffy looking man with candy she just shoved out of her way and told off, has wings. She's got Kane's ax and I'm slightly afraid what she'll do with it.


Because as soon as I say no, Kurt doesn't have wings he's not THAT kind of Fae, he goes and sprouts them and now I have to look at THAT all damn day.

JOEY, bless his punk ass heart, is laughing his ASS off. PUNK.

Good god for those of you who know Kurt, what the FARGIN HELL am I supposed to do with a Kurt with wings. Its... worse than the other day. Is all I'm saying.

For the rest of you doign the scrolly over and getting only his tag on the sidebar there... *blush* don't read too much into it. It's all him and not me, I swear.


And I thought yesterday Gabriel of the Angel of the Cristian/Boone was bad enough. All throwing off the robe and showing me HIS wings, angel wings. Which once you get past the blinded part, the light is sort of like being kissed inside and out by something... beyond graceful, most ethereal, and highly otherworldly. To say the VERY least. But now I understand the whole robe thing, feel free to put that shit back on Gabriel because we aren't ready for fallen angels who got pissed at God for letting the Djinn and Arawn stay on Earth to torment humans. Yet.

Now everyone go crank up the Zeppelin and let me be. It's a snowy saturday, Basketball on TV all damn day. That should be good for quiet musing time at work for a couple hours, at least.